Worst Musicals

Hey kidlets. I was going to write a post about my top 10 favorite musicals, because I watched Singing in the Rain a few weekends back for the first time and it blew my freaking mind, and because musicals are my jam. That idea failed, as everyone already knows that I love Les Mis. Also, talking about how good things are isn’t nearly as fun as talking about how hard things fail. This being said, I’ve decided to compile a list of my top 5 worst musicals instead.

Basically, there is nothing in this world that I love more than a good musical, be it live or in movie form. I spent my entire time at EMS nurturing a love for theatre, and I love it so much that I think I’m going to see about perhaps pursing a career in some aspect of musical theatre after my degree is finished.

While I don’t love all musicals, I love most of them with my whole heart. I even admittedly have a soft spot for High School Musical, because watching Grease every Saturday night as a child led me to believe that high school would be like a musical, which it obviously is not. I like to live vicariously through Zac Efron.

What’s more, I love making fun of things. As long as I don’t feel intimidated, I can be extremely quick witted. If there is something to be made fun of, I am right there to get the job done. Basically, I’m a hypocrite. I hate being judged, but sometimes I’m a fan of judging.

This list is compiled of musicals that I have judged in a harsh way. At times, I dislike them because I associate them with terrible moments in my life and I just can’t get over that associated, in turn ruining some musicals forever. Other times, I dislike them because I just dislike them. Anyways, hope you enjoy my explanations of why some of these musicals fill me with such rage.

1. FAME

            I like the stage production of FAME. I think I would have been a really excellent teenager in the age of Molly Ringwald, so it plays to my fabricated nostalgia for the 80s. What I am not a fan of is the movie version of this production. I feel like stage musicals based on movies rarely eclipse their originals (as is the same with movies based on stage musicals) but this is an exception to the rule. In this case, the adaptation far surpasses what came before it. For the most part, I really like the casting of this film and the music is okay. However, I am not a fan of “Hot Lunch”, and that ballerina girl is a whore. But what really makes this movie irksome for me is that it reminds me of being in Musical Theatre in grade 9, sitting next to the boy I liked, having to watch a girl cry on screen topless as a man filmed her. Nothing inspires dead silence quite like unsolicited pornography. Needless to say, it was super awkward. Now when I think of the movie FAME, I think about that poor girl weeping pitifully, and feeling incredibly uncomfortable.

2. Chicago

            This is another musical that makes me completely uncomfortable. The first time I saw it was on a date when the film first came out with my then boyfriend (hilarious grade 8 times….). When I saw the movie, I really liked it. So much in fact that when it came to the Vancouver Center for Performing Arts sometime when I was in high school, I asked my mom if we could go see it. She invited my aunt. The stage version is a fair bit more than PG13 if you catch my drift. Basically, it was an evening of the three of us watching half naked burlesque dancers. Now, I am not comfortable with that to begin with. But anyone who knows me knows I am especially not comfortable in front of other people. And those other people happened to be my mom and my aunt. It was terrible, and I’m still embarrassed.

3. A Chorus Line

            This one doesn’t require a ton of explanation. A Chorus Line is super boring. It’s almost 2 hours long, and nothing happens. You’re basically watching an audition for a Broadway show. That is literally the whole show. Some of the music is good, like “God I Hope I Get It”, “Nothing”, and “Dance: 10; Looks: 3”. Back in high school, a friend and I actually went through a phase where we sang songs from A Chorus Line when we hung out at her house. Actually, it was two phases, in grade 8 and 11. But not even the music can save this show from boring a person to tears. I’ve only seen the movie once, and I only sat through all 2 hours of it because I had the flu and couldn’t get off the couch to turn it off without vomiting.

4. My Fair Lady

            Ugh. My Fair Lady is terrible! I normally love Audrey Hepburn. She is lovely. But when she speaks in this movie, I just want to shoot my own foot. She is so annoying! I’m a huge fan of hilarious accents. I’m automatically in love with any man from Boston. But Cockney is not cute, no matter how it’s packaged. What about the guy who just stalks her house, singing every night? Does he not have a home? And her father! What is up with her crazy drunken father?! This musical is super weird. And I do not like it. Perhaps it would have been better with Julie Andrews (everything is better with Julie Andrews). Perhaps I would like it better then. Regardless, My Fair Lady was the most painful 2 blocks of MT that I’ve ever had to endure. It was 100 times worse than watching the naked girl in FAME.

5. Oklahoma

            If I’m being honest, I’ve never even seen Oklahoma. I refuse on principle. I don't even know what the musical is about, but I know that it is awful. My grade 8 year of MT was Oklahoma themed. I still don't quite understand what they mean by "Surrey with the fringe on top" and I don't care to ever find out. All of those songs are terrible and grating. My friends and I are pretty fond of giving one another gifts that we are sure will be hated. It's hilarious good times. For my 18^th birthday, Lizzy got me a super old school VHS of Oklahoma from a thrift store. It is the only time I have been given a joke gift and not laughed about it. I despise this musical with every fiber of my being. Maybe it’s because it reminds me a little too much of my hick upbringing at a farm school where our class pictures were taken on bales of hay. I don’t care what the reason is. All I know is that if I ever hear “Oh What A Beautiful Morning” again, I will surely kill myself and the nearest bystanders.