Secrets

This past Monday, I went to Surrey to watch the hockey game. Now. I am not a fan of hockey. I don’t understand sports where face-punching is not only allowed, but encouraged. But when school friends want to watch the play-offs and play board games, what is a girl to do?

Long story short, five hours after I arrived on campus, I was driving my friend Jamie home. We were talking about how much fun games are (because we be cool like that) and she said that she thought we should play a game some time where you write out 5 secrets about yourself, put them in a hat, and everyone has to guess whose secret is whose. It’s supposed to be a good way of getting to know people who you already know a little bit better. Needless to say, I find the whole proposition unsettling.

So I’ve been thinking about it. What secrets would I tell this group of people? What would be sufficiently personal and secretive enough, but also not spoil the mood by being too intimate? I’m not a fan of revealing myself to begin with! It’s also a slippery slope, because if they are too offbeat, no one will guess it right. If it’s too obvious, I will have ruined a perfectly terrifying game.

Here are some things that I thought MAY be possibilities if I were to ever play this game. If you’re reading this post, you probably know a lot of them already.

I skipped grade 5 math so I don’t understand fractions.

I think I might be the second coming of Tina Fey. Not the hilarious, successful Tina Fey, but the insecure, nerd Tina Fey in Tina Fey’s head.

Once, on a date, I saw two people doing it on the beach.

I have one eye that is bigger than the other.

I truly believe that my crooked face can be attributed to the fact that I always sleep on my right side.

I played first trumpet in grade 7 band.

I think I might be afraid of men. And by think, I mean I am afraid of men. Like, in my head, there is a huge difference between “guy” and “man”. The latter is scary.

I’m really good at riding a bicycle with no hands.

I have a crippling fear of being inadequate.

While I always note when guys are attractive, I’m really only attracted to the ones who can be classified as “interesting-looking”.

I almost drown in my neighbor’s pond when I was 3.

I wore a dress everyday in Kindergarten until some kid told me it was weird.

I really do not like feet.

When I take the time to plan out an outfit, I never end up wearing those clothes.

I once went to and enjoyed a Kanye West concert.

The word I feel best suits me is “Germany”.

Whenever I hear an overture for a musical, I get misty-eyed.

I’m on youtube in a video entitled “The Hotel Sex-Blanket”.

I held a parrot once in Ashland, Oregon.

My favorite SNL sketch is “Robert Goulet”.

Once, I puked into a garbage can at Playland.

My first kiss was on a dare.

I once told a boy he smelled like fish when he tried to kiss me.

I’ve never seen Wayne’s World.

Baby teeth freak me out.

I’m still mad about the time my friend was Spiderman for Halloween when I wanted to be Spiderman for Halloween.

I was a mouse in a ballet recital when I was little.

I was really good at baseball when I was young.

I love my nudist friends but they make me super uncomfortable with nudist-ness.

My high school lit teacher is my favorite person.

I really like the Barenaked Ladies.

I don’t like it when people breathe on me.

Not all of these are necessarily secrets. And not all of them are entertaining or revealing in any way. I don’t know. I just don’t know how you can go about choosing 5 little tidbits about yourself that are supposed to help others understand you better. How does one do that? How am I supposed to do that? Let me know if you can think of any others. If we end up playing this game, I’mma need to bring my A-game. Those school kids are mad into winning.