Bitch, Please

I feel like I’ve gotten away from myself. This summer has been quite possibly the worst of my 22 years and in the midst of all the chaos, I’ve become lost. Ever seen The Walking Dead, where that boy watches his (now) zombie mother wander the streets she once knew before she became the shell of a human being? I feel like I’m that zombie mom. I’ve wandered around feeling empty, trying to go through the motions of what feels like a former life. If we’re being honest, I was so tired of fighting that I let myself feel unextraordinary. My life, in short, became a bit of a Henry James novella.

I was too tired to fight a battle with life that constantly left me with my teeth kicked in. But I’m done with that. Starting now, I’m turning over all sorts of new leaves.

Next week, I start the last year of my undergraduate degree. I’m terrified, but I’ve also never been so excited in my entire life. I’m going to walk into class on Wednesday with a new haircut, a new outfit, and most importantly, a new fire. I’ve spent almost 4 months stressed out, hurt, afraid, and bawling my eyes out. I am done feeling like shit all the time and I’m ready to fight back.

I am going to work hard and graduate from an institution and program I love. I am going to be a better daughter, friend, and person. I am going to put myself out there, and I’m going to let new people get to know me. I am going to figure out what makes me happy, and do it. I’m going to be brave, take chances and try new things. And I’m going to fight like hell to never feel the way I felt this past summer.

I don’t know if I’m even the same person as I was at the beginning of this summer. But I’m certainly looking forward to learning who I am now.